on this day a year ago, we {finally} were granted Legal Guardianship of our sweet girl!! 

i'm spending today at this conference in malibu...

and i get to share our story on a panel 

about uganda with isaac obiro and mark riley. 

i absolutely love the fact that exactly one year later, we purposefully, get to remember all that god did in our journey. 

a perfect way to spend our day. 

{you know we'll be celebrating on sunday with the littles!}

let's be real..

day in and day out, i get caught up in the craziness of our lives. the coming and going. the routine and/or lack there of. some days with little ones melting more often than not....hard days that are filled with shouting, physical aggression, door slamming and unkind words {and i don't even have teenagers yet!}. these are my days..no, not all of them but a good amount of them. don't get me wrong, we still laugh and joke and wrestle and giggle..we do have good times..sweet, sweet times that i want to remember forever. during those times, i look at my family and just revel in the precious and plentiful blessings that are straight from above. the hard and heavy times are getting farther and farther apart {praise the LORD!} .. we now have a few hard days a week instead of the everyday yuck.

i think one of the reasons i have been so quiet this past year is because i keep waiting for life to change..to return to "normal" .. whatever that is. is there even a normal ?? i would love to hop on here and write about how good things are and how easy our transition has been. but things aren't always good and this transition has been one of the hardest i have ever endured. 

when we got home, people were so excited {so were we!!}. many thought though because we had spent a year together, that we would just jump right in..and we didn't...we endured so many questions {rightfully so!}..and honestly it wasn't even the questions..it was the response after our answers that was so hard to stomach. 

we would often respond with truthful answers. it went something like this:: 

them::'are you so GLAD to be home??"
us::'yes, we are very thankful to be home but it's hard. and overwhelming.' {one of the many responses we would give}
them::'but aren't you THANKFUL that your prayers were answered??"

well of course we are thankful! and we feel so blessed but since when did having a thankful heart mean that everything has to be perfect??  it doesn't mean that at all! we can be thankful and still have difficult days. i wouldn't trade my sweet ones for ANYTHING..nothing in the world would make me love them any less. ever.

but man, some days are hard. really hard. 

and that is okay!

does it change my love for my littles. no! does it change my trust in the Almighty one?? no!! 
does it mean that i am REAL and that my need for a savior is even greater than i ever thought possible?? YES!!!

i think because of the way that i have felt during those times, it has made me more aware of others going through something similar. it seems like many of us {in the 'church'..yes, i am lumping all christians together ;)} aren't okay with just sitting and being..in a rut..or a hard place..or if we are mourning..if we are going through a hard time, many people seem to downplay the hard and difficult times..maybe so we can seem put together? i don't know..i just don't get it anymore..

i have missed this space .. i have missed sharing my heart .. i have missed sharing the work that god is doing in my life and in the lives of those in front of me. 

so, for now, i'm back and so excited about writing again. 

can we make a deal?? 
can we be honest with one another? and encouraging? can we skip the judgement?? 

i'm real folks and so NOT put together!! i'm ready to start sharing my heart again {even if most days, i am a hot mess!}.

so come on, join me...??

remembering..

i remember sitting in the court room on december 14th, in front of 3 appellate judges {in gowns and george washington wigs! this was the real deal folks!!}, listening to our lawyer plead our case...with a voice that was so respectful and so bold. for at least 45 minutes, our lawyer laid everything out for the judges. he cited this case and that, talked about where our girl had been and where she would be. he talked best case scenario for her and with tears in his eyes {don't tell him i told you that;)}, he recalled a [tragic] previous situation that was not in the best interest of the child.....for 45 minutes he went on and on .. but not in a-talking-forever-kind of way, just in a not-leaving-anything-on-the-table sort of way.

to see and experience all of this is something that will forever be ingrained in my heart..

we left relieved and honestly, quite hopeful. we thought there might be a chance to be home before christmas..so hopeful..almost to the point of ridiculousness;) we knew it was an outlandish plan but we also know that miracles are nothing short of the God we serve. so we asked for your prayers while we wished and prayed for a miracle.

well, God clearly had other plans because we spent christmas in uganda...

then on February 9, i remember waiting in the court house with nya, a sweet friend of mine and our lawyers {A had gone home at this point}..the day had finally come, it was time for our ruling to be read

they finally called us and we squeezed into this teeny, tiny room with a couch and a bunch of chairs, most of which were already filled. i have no idea who was in there that day but as i rocked my sleepy girl with knots in my tummy and beads of sweat on my brow, i prayed and prayed as i tried to make sense of the words that the man behind the desk was reading. with the construction noise outside the window and the constant hum of the fan, it was so hard to hear, let alone make sense of the twenty some odd pages he read through..

...i found myself leaning forward, straining to hear all of the words. i caught myself glancing at one of the lawyers trying to read his face. then, i think i hear the words we have been waiting for but look to my lawyer for confirmation. he nods, with tears in his eyes and i KNOW she is ours.

i can't stop the tears from running down my face.
the fight is over.
she is ours.

forever.