so bitter-sweet.

i sit here and type while my new favorite song is playing in the background...as we are "moving" in two sleeps, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is consumed with every emotion possible. one minute i am excited and the next, i am fearful. then i am anxious and then thrilled.....the uncertainties are many...there are still a lot of variables. our length of time in africa is unknown. it could be two months or two years.

we just don't know. people ask how we are affording this. well we really aren't. but god knows and has used so many to bless us so far {thank you!}. people ask how we are going to make it emotionally. not sure. but god knows and has provided strength thus far. many wonder what we are going to do with our time. good question. we will fill it with much needed family time {we have been apart for the last 2 months and for 3 months before that, we were living with many other families so time for just the 5 of us was extremely limited}...other than that, we are looking for god's leading. we really don't know anything. EXCEPT that god wants us in a country around the world. we really are taking it step by step. the only way to make it through the days is to put one foot in front of the other.

some people think we are crazy. some people think we are forever wrecking our family. some people have even told us that she will never be our daughter.

fear wells up inside me when i think "will she??" "what if they say no again?" "can she really be sent back to THAT place?"

and then i remember the song. the truths sung. how perfect are these words??

::i will not fear, his promise is true

my god will come through always. always. 

trouble surrounds me, chaos abounding

my soul will rest in you. 

i will not fear the war. i will not fear the storm. 

my help is on the way, my help is on the way. 

i lift my eyes up...

my help comes from the lord.

i lift my eyes up..

my help comes from the lord

oh my god, he will not delay. 

my refuge and strength always. always. 

my foes are many, they rise against me

but i will hold my ground. 

i will not fear the war, i will not fear the storm. 

my help is on the way, my help is on the way.::

                                                 {kristian stanfill} 

before we knew god was leading us to adopt her, we saw how neglected she was and we knew we had to get her care, we had to fight for her. no matter if she was ours or not. we had friends offer to take her to the doctor to get her the help she needed and i remember a conversation with my husband and we both decided "even if she isn't ours, she needs care...we need to do whatever we can to help her." well now i hate that we  said that because secretly, i think, "lord, were you preparing us for what is to come...is she ours?? forever?" we do believe she is our daughter but ultimately we don't know the outcome of this story. we don't know if she will be ours forever. {we hope and pray she is!} but we really don't know what to expect.


what i do know is that with all of ourselves, we want our littles to love. with abandon. 


with everything they have. 


at the cost of everything. 


we want to show our kids that they are worth it. each and every one of them. because they are made in His image. they are his. and he? well he, is totally and completely worth it. worth. every. part. of this crazy journey. 


we love because christ loved. we want those words to mean more for our kids...for it to be a way of life. not just be words on a page or something they hear from time to time. 
so for now, for us,
it means that we will leave what is comfortable and move across the globe to fight for our nya girl.
to wait. and to see what god has. 

leaving.

{written july 13, 2011}


only fitting i write today..the day i leave africa. so many emotions. so many tears. i said goodbye to my mr. and the babies a couple of hours ago. i think i was so excited about my trip home that i failed to realize i had to leave half of my family here in africa in order to get to my o-boy. doesn't seem like it should be this way. it isn't right.


but on the drive here (airport), i realized something...this is a gift..even in the midst of my heart aching to be together as a family..leaving is a gift. coming back..total gift. you see, i feel like i get a do-over. a replay. i get to start from scratch. when we first boarded the plane on march 7, we thought we would be gone 7 weeks. 10 at the most. it has now been 17 or 18 weeks and i have realized that i wasn't ready to commit to so long in africa. even though i have been waiting all my life to live in africa, i wasn't fully prepared. emotionally or mentally. when people move overseas-most plan for months, many times-even years. and we did plan, but we planned to return home. not so much our reality at this point as we don't yet know when we can exit as a family. i will be the first to say, i need. a. break.  a chance to renew my mind and spirit. a chance to gain more patience and finally prepare to move/stay as long as it takes for the courts to grant us legal guardianship of our sweet nya girl.


over the past month and a half, my attitude has changed. my heart has become hard and i have lost sight of why we are here {both on earth and in africa}. i have let my circumstance rule over why i live. i have let it devour my heart. i hate to say it but i have lost hope. it has been hard. so. hard. since my mr. and o-boy left, i have really struggled. struggled to see the purpose, struggled with patience and struggled to love like jesus did. i do not want to live like this...


i want to be content with where god has us...but not just content :: i want to be overjoyed with where god has me. i want to make the most out of everyday. i want to enjoy. every. single. moment.


as we drove to the airport, i was reminded of my love for this country. these people and this culture. driving n this country at night is one of my favorite things in the world. seriously. my favorite! the air, the smells and especially the sights! the city is comes alive at night. despite the lack of street lights, there are people everywhere; walking every which way. all the shops are open. people are lining the streets with goods laid out on tarps, in baskets or in carts. kerosene lamps light the way and the items being sold. men {some holding hands-it is customary for male friends to hold hands:)}and women are walking home after a long day's work. many are carrying teeny, black plastic bags that probably contain the essentials for the evening. there is so much to look at...


sitting at the airport now and loving the chance to see the people get off of the plane. all the feelings that i missed were back. the excitement of coming to africa. the anxiety, expectant hopes..the awaited dream...ah, so thankful i get to witness the bounce that the people have in their step. the expectant smiles of what was to come. the dreams being realized...ahhhh. Love it!


--this is a gift..i get to come back with a clear mind and loaded heart. soon i get to set foot on the red earth again....haven't even left and i miss it already. i know this time will be so good. can't wait to see o-boy and long for us all to be united again...

***************
thankful that god has been preparing me to return. .. i feel as though a new journey is just beginning and i am  feeling like i am finally ready....well almost anyways..trusting god that when i step foot on african ground, my heart and my mind are ready for what is ahead. and for all that god has in store for us!! thank you for continuing to walk with us!

here.

we'll find a way nya girl, to get you here.

 for now, we thank god you are in our arms and long for the day when we will return as a family of 5. 

you are totally. worth. it.