keepin' it real.

yesterday morning, i woke up to this in my inbox::

and i lost it.

absolutely lost it. 

i crumpled to the floor and broke down in the kind
of tears that just keep coming...

you know the kind where your
whole body shakes...

the kind that only happen when they have been held in
for way. too. long. 

i couldn't pull it together no matter how hard i tried. 

so i sat and cried.

and cried some more. 

i guess the magnitude of this journey hit me. all the waiting.
all the unknowns.

the expected ruling that didn't come.

 {although my husband did remind me that it had only been 1 full day...
yes, it had..but still... ;)}

the holiday season upon us, yet our families
and {most of our} friends are so far away.
so many of our friends are pregnant, adopting
or have new babes that we have never met.
seems like we are missing out on living life with our besties.

the fact that we have had our children for over 9 months
and only my dad has met them. 

no other family member has met them. 

only a handful of new and very dear friends know us as a family of 5. 

we have been living this life in africa for the better part of 2011 

and very few people know our whole family. 

it is a very bizarre feeling. the people who know us best, 

have not met our two youngest children. 

it is so weird. such an odd feeling. 

 when i saw the sweet picture of nya's name on my precious friend, 

mandie's hand, i just couldn't keep it together any longer. 

she is a new and very dear friend. 

she knows us. all 5 of us. together. 

i keep getting comments about how well we are handling all of this and how strong we are and so on..

here's the deal folks. 

we aren't strong. and sometimes, we don't handle it well 

and sometimes, we are all out miserable. 

sometimes i throw myself a pity party and wallow in my sadness. 

but we all have a choice right?? 

each and every one of us has a choice
in every situation that we encounter...

how to respond to the situation and how to view the future.

we are {desperately {trying}} to choose to make the best of it. 

to make the most of our time here. 

and honestly, we have been so blessed because of it. 

it makes me sad to think that this whole time, 

we could have missed out on so much that was in store for us 

if we just closed ourselves in and kept wallowing...

let me tell you...it is a battle..a huge one...

a battle that we have to fight daily. 

and sometimes, even hourly. 

BUT what kind of parents would we be if we didn't {at least} try
to make the most out of this crazy situation?? 

we did choose to stay in country. 

we did choose not to leave our girl.

and for us...we know it was and is the right decision for our family. 

it doesn't make it any easier though.

so ... we fight the battle .. of having a good attitude.

daily. 

hourly.

and some days, minute by minute.

for us.

for our littles.

and mostly for God. to glorify Him.

and really, making the best out of any situation
is so much better than the alternative. 

and hoping for the good is soooo much better than expecting the bad.