so bitter-sweet.

i sit here and type while my new favorite song is playing in the background...as we are "moving" in two sleeps, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is consumed with every emotion possible. one minute i am excited and the next, i am fearful. then i am anxious and then thrilled.....the uncertainties are many...there are still a lot of variables. our length of time in africa is unknown. it could be two months or two years.

we just don't know. people ask how we are affording this. well we really aren't. but god knows and has used so many to bless us so far {thank you!}. people ask how we are going to make it emotionally. not sure. but god knows and has provided strength thus far. many wonder what we are going to do with our time. good question. we will fill it with much needed family time {we have been apart for the last 2 months and for 3 months before that, we were living with many other families so time for just the 5 of us was extremely limited}...other than that, we are looking for god's leading. we really don't know anything. EXCEPT that god wants us in a country around the world. we really are taking it step by step. the only way to make it through the days is to put one foot in front of the other.

some people think we are crazy. some people think we are forever wrecking our family. some people have even told us that she will never be our daughter.

fear wells up inside me when i think "will she??" "what if they say no again?" "can she really be sent back to THAT place?"

and then i remember the song. the truths sung. how perfect are these words??

::i will not fear, his promise is true

my god will come through always. always. 

trouble surrounds me, chaos abounding

my soul will rest in you. 

i will not fear the war. i will not fear the storm. 

my help is on the way, my help is on the way. 

i lift my eyes up...

my help comes from the lord.

i lift my eyes up..

my help comes from the lord

oh my god, he will not delay. 

my refuge and strength always. always. 

my foes are many, they rise against me

but i will hold my ground. 

i will not fear the war, i will not fear the storm. 

my help is on the way, my help is on the way.::

                                                 {kristian stanfill} 

before we knew god was leading us to adopt her, we saw how neglected she was and we knew we had to get her care, we had to fight for her. no matter if she was ours or not. we had friends offer to take her to the doctor to get her the help she needed and i remember a conversation with my husband and we both decided "even if she isn't ours, she needs care...we need to do whatever we can to help her." well now i hate that we  said that because secretly, i think, "lord, were you preparing us for what is to come...is she ours?? forever?" we do believe she is our daughter but ultimately we don't know the outcome of this story. we don't know if she will be ours forever. {we hope and pray she is!} but we really don't know what to expect.


what i do know is that with all of ourselves, we want our littles to love. with abandon. 


with everything they have. 


at the cost of everything. 


we want to show our kids that they are worth it. each and every one of them. because they are made in His image. they are his. and he? well he, is totally and completely worth it. worth. every. part. of this crazy journey. 


we love because christ loved. we want those words to mean more for our kids...for it to be a way of life. not just be words on a page or something they hear from time to time. 
so for now, for us,
it means that we will leave what is comfortable and move across the globe to fight for our nya girl.
to wait. and to see what god has.